Hello Mrs. Dr. Julia Peirano,

I am male, 24 years old, college student and addicted to porn. I have a hard time getting rid of it as I use porn to suppress my negative emotions that arise from everyday life instead of enduring them. I have and had absolutely no sex life, i.e. I am still a virgin.

Due to the constant consumption, I can't study for the university, I have no hobbies and hardly any friends. If I feel like having sex, I also watch "movies" since I don't have the opportunity to have sex.

Sometimes I also wonder why I should stop watching porn since the road to sex is just extremely arduous (guess). I would first have to approach women, exchange numbers, date (if you should get that far). And only when you get along well do you end up in the box - and you've already invested months there.

The effort is so high and the chance of success with a virgin like me so low, it'll never work anyway? On dating portals you have to look like a model and be well built, otherwise no woman will match you. Good looking women don't need dating apps as it comes out in everyday life which is not the case for many men. => Dating apps are just frustrating, I've tried it myself...

I don't want to be in a relationship either. What I want is just intimacy and sex. Is that too much? It's a basic need for me.

What I've been thinking: Quitting porn use and replacing it with a club sport, building friendships, and going out more often. Is this a good idea? But this will not fix my sexlessness, how do I solve the problem?

How do/should I deal with negative emotions in everyday life instead of numbing them (porn, or drugs)? Is meditation a good alternative? Shouldn't I numb the negative emotions and "simply" endure them, go about my everyday life despite it, and not invest so much thought in the negative emotions?

I hope for your answer!

Timo T.

Dear Timo T,

it sounds like you are in quite a life crisis. But I think it's good that you reflect so much and that you've already recognized some of the connections and possible solutions.

You've realized that you numb the negative feelings, whether it's with porn or drugs. And by doing so, as is typical with addiction, you lose a lot of the strength you need to shape your life in a positive way. You don't have the energy to date and form and maintain friendships, you don't quite know how to deal or how to deal with feelings, and it sounds like you don't know very much about yourself and your life.

And that's where the vicious circle turns: The more you suppress dissatisfaction (which can also be very constructive and groundbreaking) and consume porn or drugs, the less energetic and dissatisfied you become. I would recommend you to break this cycle. However, this is not easy on your own, because addiction is very, very persistent. How about going to a student counseling center or addiction counseling first? You will find outpatient clinics with addiction counseling at many hospitals or through social or church organizations.

I work as a behavioral therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese and St. Pauli. In my PhD, I researched the connection between relationship personality and happiness in love and then wrote two books about love.

Information about my therapeutic work can be found at www.julia-peirano.info.

Do you have questions, problems or lovesickness? Please write to me (maximum one A4 page). I would like to point out that inquiries and answers can be published anonymously on stern.de.

Or you can book an appointment with a psychotherapist at short notice by calling 116 117 or via the appointment service point of the Association of Statutory Health Insurance Physicians, which will be billed to the health insurance company. However, most of these therapists do not have a free therapy place afterwards, but can consider with you what help you need.

On the subject of dating and sex, I thought it was very brave and honest of you to say that you only want sex and not a relationship. This gives a lot of clarity and saves the partner from disappointment. However, only if you write this clearly in your profile and repeatedly emphasize it to the women.

For the time being, however, it would certainly be a good step if you are already gaining your first sexual experience. What has been stopping you from having sex so far? Was it self-doubt and fears (e.g. dissatisfaction with your appearance) or was there simply no opportunity up to now? If you look around on the street: Do you really have the impression that only attractive men find a partner? Count couples and assess their attractiveness (males in particular) and then see if you have to be attractive.

I have the impression that you are signaling to women that you only want sex and are not interested in them personally or their life story. With this attitude, you are unlikely to have much success with women. The women who "just wanted sex" and who told me what they wanted wanted a lover who would give them personal attention and appreciation, who they could have fun with, who was sexy, and who they could have a good time with ( sometimes cooking, going out, going for a walk, ...). If you are not interested in the woman at all, but want to get to the "goal" (= sex) as quickly as possible, you are not attractive to most women because you lack the attractive framework.

Sexuality is a basic need for many people, and you seem to have a stronger need. In this respect, I don't think compensating through meditation or excessive sport is such a good idea. They would rather torment themselves with it. Rather, you can think about how you can do well with a sport that you enjoy doing, calm down and center yourself through mediation if necessary AND also look for good conditions for sex.

So from my point of view there are two possibilities.

I hope you find a way for yourself to find support to break free from your porn addiction and invest the energy into living a more satisfying life.

Many greetings

Julia Peirano