This article first appeared on RTL.de
Feel the closeness of your partner and finally relax after a hard day: there is hardly a better place for cozy hours for two than the cozy (double) bed. But just before going to bed it starts: it is suddenly much too warm, the duvet that you share is confiscated by the other and your partner's snoring is slowly but surely driving you insane. In such a situation, one longs for separate beds. A fatal step? Or maybe even meaningful and inspiring for the relationship? We asked couples and family counselor Ruth Marquardt.
If you are in a loving partnership, the probability is very high that you live together and there is only one bed in the bedroom. Because this is now shared - basta! to have separate beds? That's totally frowned upon in society, there's definitely a relationship crisis behind it - right? "Negative beliefs often take effect here," explains Ruth Marquardt in the RTL interview.
"If we consider where the marriage bed comes from - namely from times when the woman slept with the man from the wedding night, so to speak, had to be sexually available to him - in my opinion it is long overdue to shed light on the marriage bed again in a contemporary way". , says the couples counselor.
Whether there are separate beds or not depends on the couple and is entirely individual. But: "Many women I talk to want separate beds, but are afraid of disappointing their partner. They are afraid of arguments or often just put up with it to prove how great the love is."
The problem: "All these considerations - out of wrong consideration - sooner or later lead to frustration and anger," says Marquardt.
Then it's not just over with the peaceful sleep - but also with the relaxed relationship.
At the beginning it is always important to address the topic calmly and with plenty of time. "Make it clear to your partner that their own bed is a decision made out of self-care - and not a decision against them." However, it could well be that the partner feels unloved, even if the reasons for a separate bed - shift work, different biorhythms, snoring and the like - make perfect sense.
The couples counselor’s tips are:
It's perfectly okay to take care of yourself. Marquardt says: "Anyone who cannot sleep peacefully next to their partner will usually feel stressed and not well rested. In the long run, this always has health consequences. Sleep is our time for regeneration. A partner who loves you will want that You're fine and so is he."
So the decision is made: separate beds simply make more sense. Have you missed yourself the stab in the back for a possible end of the relationship? "The bed itself doesn't care who sleeps in it and when. We humans give things meaning. The marriage bed can be demystified," explains Marquardt.
The advantages of your own bed:
Separate beds can definitely improve the quality of the partnership. The family counselor says: "Many couples have experienced how nice it can be to finally have space and time for themselves again. Privacy, trouble-free sleep, no sexual pressure to succeed - all of this can be taken for granted."