They fight and they make up again. Everyone knows at least one couple in their environment where, for the 100th time, "He can really fuck me, I'm not going back to him" or the repeated "No one can stand this stupid goat, but now it's really over "Just raise your eyebrows and take a deep breath. You know the second the other person says it: wait and see.

So-called on-off relationships feel like a roller coaster ride, with many ups and downs. With violent arguments and separations and intimate reconciliations, up and down. Once in the spiral, there is little escape. This is because such relationship patterns are often led by two types of attachment that are actually not that good for each other. The worst combination for this kind of roller coaster relationship is someone who has trouble committing and keeps wanting to break out and someone who is afraid of loss and clingy.

This creates a recurring pattern: the attachment phobic feeds on the affection of the other until he has enough for his self-confidence, then he distances himself. However, those who are afraid of loss will really cling to the slightest feeling of distance. The consequence is often a fight and that the one who shies away from the close bond moves even further away. A vicious circle that leads to separation again and again and repeats itself until these attachment types recognize their trigger points and work on themselves.

But an on-off relationship can also work out again, even if you have already separated a few times beforehand. However, this requires a lot of self-reflection and a good portion of work on yourself. Because if only one of the two partners is willing to work on themselves, the same process will start all over again with almost 100 percent certainty. And even the short-term changes in behavior don't get you any further as a couple. With a new beginning, both parties are initially euphoric and make an effort, but after a few weeks everyday life returns to the relationship.

Couples counselor Eric Hegmann told Die Zeit how it is possible for a relationship with an ex-partner to function properly: "It often takes a great deal of distance and new experiences to actually be able to classify behavior differently and then wanting to tackle changes yourself, because without these changes it's just not possible". If you haven't reflected on yourself after returning to your ex and don't really try to work on yourself seriously, the eternal on-off game only prolongs the suffering after a breakup, love alone won't be enough in this case.

Source: time