I might start the column here with a few quite simple questions.

you Can name three couples you know on a personal level, that has a drømmeforhold? A relationship that you really want? And how many healthy relationship have you witnessed in your life?

Relationship, which manages to balance and integrate the passion, connection, intimacy, respect, admiration, freedom of expression and equality. No, well? You know, not so many. No more than one or two couples!

For the couple's relationship is, for most, one of the most challenging circumstances in our lives. And why is it so hard to find ’the one’?

When we're looking for ’the one’, we must stop and ask ourselves where our perception of the relationship comes from. Many of us come from broken families, divorces, abuse and emotional intricacies home, where there is not necessarily demonstrated an honest and loving way to communicate and be together.

Our notions about love and relationships - and what we should be looking for - are being unconsciously shaped in childhood by observing our parents and the world around us.

It is rare that we are early in our life experience a mature communication, where everyone's feelings and opinions are heard and recognized. The most normal is that we, as small was surrounded by confusing signals, where the adults in our lives did not manage to put the borders and used the negativity, bebrejdninger, guilt, shame or anger when they had to express themselves.

Why have most of us as children learned, how we survive in a relationship – not how we thrive.

To survive rather than to thrive in a relationship means that we as children have adapted us to the environment we grew up in. We recorded the habits and ways of being that helped us in our family system. For although every family is different, and we all each have our history, there are some very general ’unspoken rules’, as most families know to;

to hold on To secrets, or to withhold the truth in order not to make ’trouble’ or to hurt anyone's feelings.To lie to Betpark prevent the anger or violent behavior from a dominant family member.To save our feelings and be ’strong’, because ’it is what we do in this family’.To belittle the feelings, because they are not logical or means that you are too sensitive.To keep the firm in roles such as the bully, the victim, bebrejderen or unvigeren in order to maintain the unconscious pattern.

Family patterns are shaped early in life and being conveyed into our adult lives, and therefore we are unconsciously attracted to people, which mirrors much of this behavior and way to be.

So although it seems a little foolish, that we will be in a relationship with someone who reflects our family's less fortunate sides, it is beautiful, however, that we are trying to rewrite our history in a new way.

If we can attract a pattern from the past to ’fix’ it and make it different, so perhaps we can finally feel whole, complete, lovable and happy. We believe.

Unfortunately, that's just it, we all bumped into each other with our unconscious need to rewrite our stories, which creates chaos and frustration in the relationship.

So perhaps we need to change our quest. Or at least the order. For we must first be ’the only one’ to be able to find ’the one’.

We must learn to understand our own unconscious programming and relearn a healthier and more mature approach to the relationship. A relationship where we are not looking for recognition and confirmation of our worth through another person.

But a relationship where both parties have the freedom to express themselves, their dreams, needs, thoughts and feelings without condemnation and shame.

An environment that is loving, safe, open and honest.

For when we are tuned into our own inner wisdom, we can feel what feels healthy or not. Thus, we get the opportunity to select the relation, arising out of selvkærlighed and not from our wounds and old patterns.

Sarah Zobel

Sarah Zobel is a psychologist and author. She is the mother of three children and the author of three books. Find her on Instagram: sarah_zobel9.

Date Of Update: 23 November 2019, 10:01