christmas parties are upon us – and thus there is a high season for disregarding inhibitions and unrestrained rein to the shot in time.
As if we just ultimately need to reach to beat the årsrekorden for the intake of alcohol. As if we just must have the last blunders in the house before the new year.
And not least: as if you suddenly have some form of wildcard to put the lead on her colleagues, flirting with any and maybe even – to be unfaithful. Just the evening. It was indeed a christmas party.
As a psychologist and therapist, I stumbled on be adultery in a great many guises – and in the therapeutic work with people to find the out that an action such as adultery has consequences and meanings in confusing many levels and involves many perspectives.
There are clients who have been unfaithful. There are clients who have an unfaithful partner. There are few, who are struggling to win the trust back after infidelity. And then there is the 'outside' woman or man, who also has a perspective and an experience.
Research shows that, while it's in the past were mostly men who were unfaithful – so there has been a shift, so it now seems to be more equally distributed between the sexes.
My professional experience is that the truth about infidelity almost always comes up – in one way or another. Maybe this is because I not so often get a visit from those who have no moral qualms with being unfaithful, which has never been revealed.
But in any case can infidelity hit tremendously hard and be really painful to all parties. It can put a life in ruins – and if you choose to stay in the relationship, one will often look forward to a huge repair work.
" I shall not attempt to answer the question of why it is such, and as a therapist it is not my role to be the moral guardian of the treaties – it benefits only rarely. It, which helps, is usually to get asked the right questions and be open to the perspectives, which pave the way for self-reflection.
If you think that infidelity is such a form of 'julebonus', which you can afford, because it is the christmas party, so you might think a little more about the consequences it may have.
For the betrayed partner, it can mean uncontrolled and intrusive images and fantasies of that happening again. It can mean to be riddled with jealousy at a level where you can't know itself. Conversely, the who are unfaithful, be plagued by guilt and shame or disgust at themselves.
Adultery is often that you yearn for, or miss something in his life. Maybe it's the sex, maybe the excitement, maybe it's the feeling of being heard and seen.
So if you feel an openness and a temptation to involve yourself in adultery – it might be interesting for you to ask: What am I missing? What are the underlying needs? Should I maybe rather talk with my partner about the feeling that we have lost something along the way?
Adultery is not a criminal offence in Denmark – so it is very much up to ourselves and our own moral compass, how we act. It also applies when it happened, and considering the dilemma. Should you be honest or lie? You have a moral obligation to tell the other about it? Is it ok to hide something, which may be as relevant for the other party to know?
For some couples, it can destroy everything that you tell it. For others it can be an eye-opener, who ends up getting a udslukt relationship to flourish. But in any case, infidelity is never innocent, it is never something you should ignore.
You owe it to yourself – and your partner – to consider its actions very carefully and reflect on what it means when she dates. Infidelity is usually a action which is fraught with many meanings and it can be a christmas party will never be a free pass to disregard.Neela Maria Sris Private practice psychologist
Neela Maria Sris is a private practice psychologist and director of the psykologhuset Encounter. She is also a consultant in the organization and management as well as external associate professor at Copenhagen University. Neela is very intrigued by the way in which we humans understand the world, life and each other. As a psychologist, she works every day to help people through life's challenges and problems. Through its hverdagspsykologiske op-ed trying Neela to open new perspectives on the way we understand ourselves and interact to the other.Updated Date: 27 November 2019, 20:00