Everything was good. I couldn't have been happier, I was five months pregnant. We were expecting our second miracle. Then in August 2020 I felt a hardening in my chest while breastfeeding my big one. I suspected engorgement. When I showed the bump to my gynecologist a few weeks later, she referred me to a clinic and everything went very quickly. Four days later I received the diagnosis: hormone-dependent breast cancer. After that I only heard fragments. I heard cancer, needed surgery, needed chemo. Thoughts raced in my head. I couldn't keep up with the thinking: do I have to die? What about my unborn child? What about my big son? I am a pediatric nurse. I know what cancer can mean, how serious the disease can be and how quickly everything can happen. And I also knew Krebs from my family. Still, I had no idea what the diagnosis meant when you're also pregnant. What I knew: It's an aggressive, fast-growing cancer. And I cannot protect my unborn child alone. But the doctor calmed me down. He explained to me that the diagnosis does not automatically mean that it will all be over for me in a year and that I can be treated just as well as someone who is not pregnant. It could be that my child is born a little lighter, smaller, more tender, but I don't have to worry that the operation or chemotherapy will harm my unborn child, that there will be malformations or a premature birth. I trusted that, I had to. Because for me, not doing chemo was not an option. Waiting until the child is born, but there may be no more hope or treatment options for me, was out of the question. After all, it is my responsibility to be there for my children after they are born.

I was 19 weeks pregnant when the tumor was removed breast-conserving. At this point he was already two and a half centimeters tall. Chemotherapy started a month later. I was five cycles behind when labor was induced. Natural birth is not possible with chemotherapy. Neither does breastfeeding. I stopped breastfeeding my big boy, who was one and a half at the time, right after the diagnosis; breastfeeding the little one was not possible at all. From birth, the active ingredients of chemotherapy can be passed on through breast milk. The chemo was continued just two weeks after the birth, from then on weekly for another three months. I did not have a postpartum bed as a result. I couldn't have done it without my husband, my rock. He's got my back.

According to estimates by the Robert Koch Institute, around 66,800 women are diagnosed with breast cancer every year. For women, it is the most common type of cancer. Young people are also increasingly affected. The German Cancer Society speaks of over 18,000 women dying of breast cancer every year. Men can also develop breast cancer, with them there are around 770 new cases each year. The breast cancer month of October draws attention to the situation of patients.

Of course I also had worries and fears, fear of death. I was in a situation where I didn't know what was going to happen, what the future looked like. But there was also this little person who was up to mischief and for whom I stayed mum, whether with hair or without. And as a mom, he needed me too. This has helped me not to get too caught up in dark thoughts. I was distracted. At the same time, this very situation was incredibly exhausting. Although my husband was on vacation after the birth, he had to go back to work at some point, working from home and with a lot of support from his boss, but he had to work. We don't have any family nearby who could have helped. And I would have been entitled to a household help, but I would only accept it if there was really no other option.

And so I couldn't just say, I'm going to sleep in for twelve hours because my body needs it. I had to function, I had to be there, I had no other choice. There was no time to think, I just did it. Fortunately, the side effects of chemotherapy were limited. I had hair loss but not this massive nausea. I was still exhausted. And when the second child came, I was also overwhelmed to the power of ten. Sometimes I sat on the floor between the children, cried and didn't know what to do first. I was never able to take care of myself during this time. I will be in treatment for another three to seven years. At least. Since I had hormone-dependent breast cancer, the chemotherapy was followed by anti-hormone therapy. This puts me in the artificial menopause with all the symptoms that a woman usually gets during menopause: hot flashes, bone pain, weight gain. In addition, the body is still burdened by the chemo. The stamina is gone and the ability to concentrate recovers only slowly. But things are progressing. A while ago I even went dancing with a friend again. It was just beautiful because everything was so far away for a moment. Because the fear remains. Sure, everyone knows these great success stories: diagnosis, surgery, therapy, done. I can still count myself among them. But unfortunately I also know people who were not so positive and who were suddenly confronted with metastases. Before that, everyone affected is insanely afraid. Cancer is an insidious disease that unfortunately does not announce itself like a cold with a cold, but grows quietly.

My older son is now going to kindergarten, and the little one is now being settled in. When the children are looked after, it's finally my turn and I'm entitled to do so. I struggled to survive and at the same time had to function, putting my own needs aside. Now I'll take my time. I finally want to do sport again, to actively combat fatigue. And I want to mentally work through the last few years, because I haven't been able to do that until now. Even now, when there is a moment of calm, it all comes up, then I think about what I have been through and endured and could cry right away. But I don't want to do it alone, I want to get psychological support. And then, in the spring, when I'll hopefully be physically and mentally fit again, I want to go back to my job. That's the plan - a little less cancer and more life again.

Linda Wagner can be found on Instagram as "just_inked87", where she shares her experiences with breast cancer and wants to encourage other sufferers.